Pirate Theater
by Marzi
Summary: The characters have been brought together to preform classics of film and theater, generally against their will. A parody humor with a smidgen of romance overruled by a moderately evil narrator. This story will never get finished, apologies!
1. Romeo & Juliet

A/N I've read a lot of twists put on classics- so I decided to try out something of the sort. This is meant to be very funny, and is more of a script then a story. (Though I'm not actually following any sort of script, so if I get 'timeless classic' quotes wrong, don't be mad)

Chapter One of the Pirate Theater!

JS: 'Chapter one of a theater? That makes no bloody sense.'

Coming from you Jack, that reprimand means little.

JS: 'Oh… I see your point.'

Er… ok, back to the intro. For the first act-

JS: 'See! Now that makes sense.'

Shut-up Jack, before I decide to remove you from the play.

JS: 'But I'm a major part!'

How do you know that?

JS: 'I read past your narration.'

You cheated.

JS: 'Did not.'

Did too!

JS: 'Did not.'

ES: 'Both of you- shut it!'

JS: 'Oh 'Lizabeth! I didn't know you were coming.'

Jack, she's a major part too- didn't you read that?

JS: 'Er- no?'

…Moving on. Act one of the first chapter of Pirate Theater. The abridged, Romeo and Juliet! Staring our favorite pair- Jack and Elizabeth!

WT: 'Jack and Elizabeth? What about me!'

Sorry Will, you aren't in this.

WT: 'But I'm a major character!'

JS: 'Not in this you aren't.'

Thank you Jack.

JS: 'You're welcome.'

Now- seeing as this is the abridged version, we're going to have to move quickly. Romeo- go!

JS: 'Er- what am I supposed to say?'

I don't know- we don't use scripts. Bad for the trees.

JS: 'How am I supposed to know what to say without a script?'

ES: I agree with Jack, this makes no sense.'

JS: 'Thanks much.'

Listen, both of you- start talking or the main cast gets turned over to Norrington and Will.

JS: 'That's bloody awful- why'd you have to go and say something like that?'

I'm sorry, I really shouldn't have.

ES: 'Out of curiosity- who would have played Juliet?'

WT: 'Elizabeth!'

ES: 'It's a valid question Will!'

JS: 'Indeed, but I think the question answers itself.'

I agree with Jack.

WT: 'You're the narrator! You're not supposed to even talk to us.'

You're just mad because the eunuch jokes are true.

WT: 'Are not…'

Are too, but come on people! When are we going to get to the play?

JS: 'Is that what you're calling this?'

Don't get all snippy with me Jack. Now start spouting something that sounds Shakespearian. And remember- you've just met the most beautiful girl in the world.

JS: 'I have? Er- ok… um…

_Oh! What heaven hath thrown my way. What flower have I just beheld? Who is she? Where doth she wander from? Oh- when shall I see such a fair maiden again?_

…There… I did it.'

ES: 'Wow Jack… that was, pretty good.'

I agree, but stop interrupting the flow. Juliet- go!

ES: 'What? Oh, right…

_Such a man as he must have wandered from timeless tales! But alas, who is this man? Something about him strikes familiarity, yet, where have I seen him? Surely I would have remembered such a man…_

… That was, awkward.'

JS: 'You're telling me, luv! Will just tried to 'accidentally' run me through!'

Will! No messing with the actors.

WT: 'But she's my fiancé!'

Not in this story she isn't. Romeo- you've just learned who she is, but still want to be with her.

JS: 'There was a discrepancy before?'

Yes- her family is your family's sworn enemy! Now, go be romantic.

ES: 'May I take this moment to point out Jack has a very vast vocabulary for a pirate?'

JS: 'I'm not sure if that was a compliment or an insult.'

Listen you two, stop talking between the lines or this really will become a Norri-Will show! Now start spouting sonnets and romantic poems.

JS: 'Can you please stop torturing me with such images? I'm amazingly imaginative for a pirate.'

ES: 'Jack!'

JS: 'Sorry luv…lines… right…

_Oh, Juliet! (_throws rock at her bedroom window_) The sun of my dawn, the flower in my heart. Please, allow me to venture forth up your garment- Er, I mean venture up onto your balcony, so that we may share the coming sun rise together!_

…This is the end of our romantic stage, right?'

Jack, I'm going to ignore your screw-up and not answer your question. Eliza- damn it Jack, look what you've done? You've messed up the narrator! Just go already Juliet!

ES: 'Sheesh! Fine, it's not like I was the one who screwed up…

_Oh, Romeo! My sweet Romeo-_

Jesus Jack, how did you do that? I'm out here.'

JS: 'It's harder then it looks- aye? Here's some advice love- stop thinking about Will.'

ES: 'Interesting…

_Romeo! Surely you will be afraid of being caught? Yet my heart begs to be with you… Yes Romeo, I would love to share this dawn with you._

…Wow Jack, you're creative _and_ you give good advice!'

Really Jack, what is this new side of you?

JS: 'People give me no credit. This truly is an insult mate.'

ES: 'Jack- you just told my fiancé to stop thinking about me!'

JS: 'It's not my fault it worked mate.'

He's right you know. Now stop interrupting Will. Romeo- you and Juliet are going to the church to be married, go.

JS: 'Married? This is a play right? Nothing legal?'

No Jack, this is _pretend_, now hurry up and start spouting love and encouragement!

JS: 'It's nothing against you Lizzie, I just can't settle down right now.'

ES: 'I understand Jack.'

_Ahem._

JS: 'Right…

_Oh my sweet Juliet! We can no longer wait for our families. Come- let us away to the church! The priest there is my friend, and will surely understand our plight!_

…Do you want me to play the part of the priest too? I was a cleric once you know.'

You _impersonated_ a cleric Jack. Besides- how can you get married to Juliet while you're the priest?

JS: 'Well…'

I wasn't looking for an explanation. Elizabeth- Damn it! Juliet, respond!

ES: 'Why are you always angry at me? I'm writing to the actors guild after this…

_Oh Romeo I long to wait for approval, but I know your words to be true. Let us away to this church- and pray your friend grants pity upon us._

…Did I just copy what you said?'

JS: 'I believe you did 'Lizabeth.'

It's ok- in a Shakespeare story the audience _needs_ repetition.

ES: 'But we're not even following the story- we're just stealing the plot!'

Well we don't want to be sued for plagiarism do we?

JS: 'Really Lizzie! hadn't you thought of that?'

ES: 'Well.. No?'

Obviously…

JS: 'Hey!'

Jack! Are you standing up for Elizabeth?

JS: '…No.'

Are too!

JS: 'Am not!'

Are-

WT: 'Aha! They are distracted, let us away Elizabeth!'

Will- this is a script form story. Only one person can talk at once!

JS: 'Yea mate, we can all hear you. Besides, who talks like that anyway?'

ES: 'Really Will!'

WT: 'But… you guys…'

They're _acting_ Will! Now go back to the Extra's Corner and stay there!

WT: 'I don't wanna…'

Stop being a baby and GO!

WT: 'FINE! But I expect my fiancé back!'

What a whiner. Now- back to the show! Romeo- you think Juliet is dead, lament over her body and then drink a vial of poison.

JS: 'Excuse me?'

You heard me.

ES: 'I'm inclined to think he hopes you said it wrong.'

JS: 'Exactly.'

You two better stop agreeing or Will is going to come back.

JS: 'I'm not going to bloody kill myself!'

It's a play Jack!

JS: 'Then why did you hand me this vial?'

It's er... a prop.

JS: '_Liar._'

ES: 'Wow Jack… that was intense.'

JS: 'Your really think so luv?'

Listen you two- get back to the play or… Hey, where are you going? No! Wait- if you go that way-!

THE END

WT: 'Hey! Where did she go?'

Get out of the credits Will!

WT: 'ELLIIIZZaaaabeeethh!'

Cry baby.

A/N So ends the first chapter- er _act_, of my twisted classics. I hope you enjoyed it.


	2. A Midsummer Nights Dream

Chapter Two of the…

JS: 'Oy, why did you stop?'

I expected you to contradict me.

JS: 'You want me to?'

Er, no. So, back to the intro…

WT: 'But Elizabeth!'

ES: 'Can't you leave me alone for five minutes Will?'

Oh great- now they're going to interrupt me! Shut it so I can get the title out why don't you?

Chapter Two of the Pirate Theater!

WT: 'Can we continue arguing now?'

ES: 'I'd rather not and say we did.'

No to both of you. You're putting yourself to shame! Jack looks better than both of you right now!

JS: 'What, are you saying I argue too much? I bloody do not.'

You're arguing right now.

JS: 'That's one.'

I'll keep track, and mark my words Sparrow, if you so much as go beyond a certain point…

ES: 'I don't think he's going to say anything now.'

Thank you Elizabeth, for your keen observation.

WT: 'So, what are you doing today anyway?'

Good thing you asked Will, you're actually in this one.

WT: 'I am?'

No, I just wanted to see that hopeful expressions leave your face.

WT: 'You're a cruel narrator.'

Well, I do my best!

JS: 'I don't believe that was supposed to be a compliment, mate.'

Ah, so the _mighty_ Sparrow decides to sow his face!

JS: 'I wasn't hiding!'

Two!

ES: 'Can you just tell us what we're bloody doing?'

Wow, I don't think I've ever seen Elizabeth loose it like that.

JS: 'I have.'

WT: 'I have.'

Wow, Jack said it first. Will, you're getting rusty. So- before any of you can interrupt me again, welcome to act one of Chapter Two in Pirate Theater! The abridged, Midsummer Nights Dream!

JS: 'Are we ever going to do something full length?'

No Jack, think of the trees.

ES: 'But we aren't even using scripts!'

Quiet Lizzie.

JS: 'Oy, only I get to call her that.'

Don't get so possessive Jack.

JS: 'Am not!'

Are too! Er- Three!

ES: 'Will you two stop it?'

Her outbursts aren't as scary when you're expecting them are they?

JS: 'No, they aren't.'

ES: 'Jack!'

JS: 'I'm entitled to my opinions Lizzie.'

Shut up both of you, I've only managed to distract Will for so long. I don't know how long it will take him to figure out DVDs don't rewind.

JS: 'Excuse me?'

Shh- stop talking so I can start narrating. And seeing as we can't pull this off with just two of you, I need to introduce the other characters.

JS: 'Oy- what is he doing here?'

HB: 'Nice to see ye too Jack.'

He's one of the other characters.

ES: 'Oh great- who else is going to show up?'

Don't be so touchy, _Elizabeth._

JN: 'Do you despite me so Elizabeth?'

ES: 'James?'

Yes, yes, you can all do that catching up later. I need to _introduce _you still, remember?

TD: 'Goin' forget about me then?'

JS: 'Tia Dalma?!'

TD: 'Don' look so surprised Jack.'

JS: 'Why shouldn't-'

HEY. I said catch up later! Introductions people, get in your places!

HB: 'Places? I wasn't aware this was so-'

I will put you back where I found you Barbossa if you keep talking. Now, I shall start, and I want _no interruptions._ Hermia- go, get in the spotlight!

JS: 'Tia Dalma?'

Jack, stop spluttering and interrupting! Besides, that's not as shocking as her lover, Lysnader!

HB: 'Pardon?'

JS: 'Barbossa?!'

Yes, yes, shock, intrigue, get over it. Now being madly in love- they say a lot of lovely things to one another.

HB: 'Very descriptive.'

Yea well start talking, I have four more people to introduce.

HB: 'Right…

_Oh fairest Hermia what sun could you not shine brighter than, or what moon could you not out glow? All shadows flee from your radiance!_

…Take that voodoo witch.'

ES: 'Are all pirates equip with a Shakespeare translator?!'

It seems so Elizabeth, it seems so… Hermia, respond with a loving attitude.

TD: 'Why I be doin' this…

_Dearest Lysander, how can you give such praise when I all I require is your presence? A glimpse of you from afar is all I need to keep my passion ablaze!_

…You think you can out do me, Barbossa?'

ES: 'Is anyone else wondering how her accent went away?'

Quiet Elizabeth. Despite Lysander and Hermia's love, Demetrius was determined to win over Hermia's heart. Get out Demetrius.

ES: 'James?!'

What have I told you people about interrupting?

JS: 'Very little?'

You're lucky I can't count that against you Jack… Demetrius, start spouting something vengeful!

JS: 'Not like he's used to that…'

Jack! Stop making fun of Will and Elizabeth and how their relationship ruins everyone else's lives.

JS: 'Sorry…'

JN: 'Well, I suppose now is a time to get rid of some of my pent up anger…

_How can Lysander even dare to look her way? Hermia shall become my bride, and that bandy-legged skinny dip of a blacksm- I mean, that man is no match for what I can offer her! Hermia shall fall for me just like the very sun's rays fall to the earth._

…that was oddly… helpful.'

Er yes, also a tad too revealing. Of course, I get to complicate matters more, by introducing Demetrius's secret admirer! Though of course, it isn't a secret she likes him.

AM: 'What am I supposed to be spouting again?'

JS: 'Ana Maria? Everyone thought you were dead!'

AM: 'Yes, well that's what happens when you disappear for a while. Can I get back to my line?'

Dear God… I think I'm in love.

_Quick! Someone resuscitate the narrator!_

JS: 'Who the bloody hell are you?'

_I am the Conscience. Now, someone do as I say so this demented story can have a happy ending._

JS: 'Er, right…'

Jack, who were you talking to just then?

JS: 'Conscience?'

Sure… Now, on with the story. Helena, dear sweet, sweet, Helena, please deliver your lines.

AM: 'Don't ever call me that again.'

Oh- right.

AM: 'I think having 'disappeared' was a better option than coming back…

_Though Hermia be my friend, can she not see what she does to me? Drawing away dear Demetrius's love from me! I shall have to ruin her, in order to make Demetrius mine!_

…Ruin, hmm… can I do something truly awful to her?'

Uh, no… Look, I need to introduce two more people, and then we can actually get started.

HB: 'Ye mean, we actually haven't started?'

Shut-up Lysnader. Now, away from this odd four-person love issue. Er- love _square_ if you will, a married couple was having some major issues.

WT: 'You mean I am actually in this?'

No Will, you and Elizabeth aren't even married. Shut up and go back to rewinding my DVD collection! Now, Oberon and Titania were having marital issues over a serving boy each wanted for there own use.

JS: 'Lizzie, let me have the child so my mind stops wandering down that road.'

ES: 'Likewise Jack, likewise.'

Will you two shut it? Actually, I need you to start being angry with one another.

JS: 'Over a serving boy?'

Yes. And I count that as four Jack.

JS: 'Well, it's not going to stop me from pretending our issues are over something else…

_Ill met by moonlight, proud Titania. The moon and it's shadows were never one to suit you!_

…Oh bugger, I may have just quoted something.'

It's ok Jack, as long as no one thoroughly examines us, we're fine.

JS: 'Now I just feel dirty.'

Oh. Forget that last thing. Titania, go with a snippy retort.

ES: 'You want me to complain? Alright…'

JS: 'Bugger.'

Don't interrupt someone's lines Jack!

JS: 'Right, sorry.'

ES: 'Now I've lost my train of thought, that you _so_ much…

_The shadows here do me the favor, Oberon, of hiding your deceiving face. Do you think I would give this child up to you? Did you think I would not stop your attempts at persuasion?_

…Not exactly what I was going for. But I hope it gets the point across.'

JS: '_Persuasion_ Lizzie?'

Oberon- Titania, stop looking at one another. You're angry remember? Oh fer- fine. This will be the abridged, abridged version.

HB: 'How you going to bloody pull this off?'

Watch me Lysander. Deciding that they wanted to have their future's free of society, Lysander and Hermia ran off, hoping to find a better place to marry. Helena, still determined to ruin her best friend for taking Demetrius's love, told her object of affection that his loved one was running away with his adversary. As Demetrius followed Lysander and Hermia's trail, Helena followed him. Realizing this was a poor way to show affection, Oberon and Titania deciding to talk and beat sense into the two young people so that they would love each other.

JS: 'It's nice to see you got an actually bit of narrating done there mate, but when did beating the sense into people ever come up in Shakespeare?'

Five Jack! FIVE!

ES: 'Actually, can I add to Jack's statement?'

No Titania, now start spouting lines, the both of you!

JS: 'Oh- alright…

_Love is a blind thing, that is, until one learns they are not blind, but their eyes are simply shut. And if only they have the courage to open them, they could see the one they truly love._

_You get it you two buffoons? Start making-up before your eyelids are removed._

… I think I got the point across.'

Yes Oberon. Very, thorough, Titania, please don't add anything.

ES: 'Uh, sure.'

Seeing the truth in the king's words, the pair instantly and re- fell in love with one another. Start spouting love.

JN: 'Well-uh, ok…

_Oh fair Helena! How could I have been so blind? How could I not see you for what you were? Hermia is a trifle, you are a treasure!_

…Is that romantic enough?'

It'll do Demetrius. Helena?

AM: 'Why do I have to say anything? Wasn't I already in love with him?…

_Oh Demetrius! The time I have waited for this cannot be measure. Nor can the joy I feel in my heart at your proclamation!_

…That's as bloody romantic as you're getting me to be.'

JS: 'Wait- was I narrated in as _king_?'

Are you just realizing this?

JS: 'Yes.'

ES: 'It's not that big of a deal Jack.'

JS: 'It makes you queen Lizzie.'

In a _play,_ can you two stop staring? I'm not done with this story. After getting married in a small, country church, Lysander and Hermia decided society wasn't so bad after all, and went back. They even made it back in time to see Helena and Demetrius's wedding! Happy with their lives, the two couples remained happy until the end of their days.

JN: 'Why did we have to go to the church when we didn't have any lines in that scene?'

Uh, I don't know what you mean Norrington. Jack, stop laughing.

HB: 'Why did we go to that bloody church?'

JS: 'Hector too?!'

Jack, don't get me in trouble!

WT: 'Trouble? This is brilliance! Who would have thought to get Tia Dalma and Barbossa married? And you threw in Ana Maria and Norrington like an added bonus!'

Will?! When did my extra become devious?

WT: 'I, found this script lying on the ground…'

A script? A SCRIPT?!

JS: 'Oh bugger… quick, someone run off stage!'

THE END

THE END?! I'm not through with this yet! Think of the trees people, and how much paper is wasted on copying scripts for plays! Share! Buy used books!

JS: 'Recycle!'

Yes, thank you Jack, recycle!

A/N I don't like it as much as the first one, I think I concentrated on the narrator a bit much. Still, very fun. 'Ill met by moonlight proud Titania' is in fact from the Shakespeare play, A Midsummer Nights Dream. It is also the only actually line from a play I have used in either of the 'chapters'. Shocking?

Also people, do recycle paper. I like trees and the ability to breath, so should you.


	3. A Cruel Intermission

Welcome to Chapter Three of Pirate Theater!

ES: 'It would just be plain wrong for one of us _not_ to interrupt you right here, you know that?'

Quiet Elizabeth. And that is not true.

JS: 'You know it bloody well is.'

Six Jack!

JS: 'You're still counting?!'

Yes, yes I am. Now, seeing as the Writer ran out of ideas-

WT: 'What writer?'

For once Will puts in a valid question! And for once, I feel no inclination to answer. But, back to what I was saying. With no new ideas suddenly springing into the Writer's head, it was decided we get to vote on what we do next.

JS: 'Really?'

Yes Jack, really.

JS: 'Nominate too, or just vote?'

You're being oddly enthusiastic about this Jack… Hey wait- where did Elizabeth go?

JS: 'Er- out?'

I will narrate something bad into your story, Jack, if you aren't truthful.

JS: 'And your words will affect me, _how?_'

Seven Jack!

JS: 'I wasn't arguing, I was askin- oh bugger.'

Eight Jack.

JS: 'This is all just bloody unfair…'

Yes, well to make your day better I'm taking away your voting rights.

JS: 'That was supposed to make my day better?'

No, it wasn't. But seeing as I'm in a grouchy mood, I'm taking away everyone's voting rights.

ES: 'Then who's going to vote?'

JS: 'Exactly! Who's going to vote?'

I'm not even going to ask what you two did to Will to make him not say anything… Oh- welcome back Elizabeth.

JS: 'It's quite easy to remove him, luv."

Why thank you Jack for pointing out my faults. In fact- as punishment, I'm taking you out of the main cast and putting Will in instead.

WT: 'Rally? Woohoo!'

Jack?

ES: 'I think you've stunned him beyond words.'

I think so too, but I'm inclined not to care right now. Just as long as he doesn't go mopping to Davy Jones again…

JS: 'I do _not_ mope.'

Nine.

JS: 'Stop counting.'

No.

JS: 'Please don't stop counting?'

HA! You thought you could outsmart me? Consider all of the counting gone! Never to happen again! Nine? You have ZERO!

JS: 'Thank you, I appreciate the sentiment in not saying I complain.'

I- oh… DAMN YOU JACK SPARROW!

WT: 'Er- dramatic quotes aside, what are Elizabeth and I going to be doing for this act?'

Nothing Will, this is actually intermission. I didn't want you guys to get a break, so I decided to trick you into thinking there was a show.

WT: 'When am I going to get a part?'

When I find the necessary part.

WT: 'Necessary?'

Yes, don't make me repeat myself. Now- all of you, start doing something cliché and timeless!

JS: 'Oh er- alright.'

ES: 'What can you do Jack?'

JS: 'Just wait Lizzie, just wait…

_Lets all go to the lobby, lets all go to the lobby-_

Oh wait, what comes next?'

ES: 'How about…

_Lets all go to the bottom, lets all go to the bottom, and leave the author a review!_

I couldn't get it to flow at the end, but it's better than that wretched soda song.'

JS: 'I agree Lizzie, now, let us do something else classical.'

ES: 'Oh? And remember Jack­- _Miss_ Swann.'

JS: 'Er- yes Miss Swann. Shall we sail off into the sunset?'

THE END

Damn it you two! Stop leaving me out of the endings!

WT: 'Hey- where did they go?'

Look at the sun Will, you'll see them.

WT: 'ARGH! My eyes!'

Haha… sweet revenge.

A/N I literally couldn't think of anything while I wrote this, so it became random. But, while I wrote it I decided Pirate Theater was going to have a thin plot, aside from the shows they rip off. So- not only will the next installment actually have a story- there will be underlying hints of plotness… Underlying mind you.

JS: 'Oy, hang on a minute.'

A/N How the hell did you get into the notes?!

JS: 'Never mind that now, I would just like to point out this was called a chapter. Should this installment not be properly titled as an intermission?

A/N It is, now stay out of the notes. And stop being grammatically correct…


	4. Little Shop of Horrors

Welcome! To Chapter Fou-

ES: 'Three.'

Excuse me?

ES: 'It's three, seeing as the last 'chapter' was in fact, an intermission.'

I am not going to take abuse from any of MY actors, let alone you Elizabeth!

ES: 'But it's true!'

What matters, matters not!

JS: 'How did you come to that brilliant conclusion?'

I don't know Jack, how did you come to the conclusion your soul was worth a ship?

JS: 'Will you people bloody leave that alone already?'

No. Now, back to the intro. Welcome to Chapter _Four_ of Pirate Theater! Act one of the fourth chapter! Playing the abridged, Little Shop of Horrors!

JS: 'Oy- wait. A musical?'

Yes Jack. A musical.

JS: 'Ah. I take it the eunuch is to have the lead role then?'

Right you are Jack Sparrow!

WT: 'WOOHOO! I have a part! A major part! THE major part! YES! HAHAHA!'

JS: 'Can I burst his bubble of happiness?'

No Jack, that would ruin the plot! Now, Seymor was a regular guy (if you can call a freak who lives the basement of a flower shop normal) who happened to be on a walk one day. When suddenly- there was a solar eclipse and a plant suddenly appeared before him. Being the idiot that he was, he took the plant home without questioning where it came from. Once there- the plant became unhealthy. Only after accidentally feeding it blood did Seymor realize what the plant needed. _Still_ being an idiot, he kept it after this revelation. In fact, he decided to sing about it.

WT: 'I feel so nervous. I've never sung in front of an audience before!'

JS: 'I hope you never do it again.'

WT: 'But.. You haven't even heard me sing yet!'

I believe Jack is foreseeing the inevitable… But, he should not be holding up the 'lines'. Get onto it Will- er Seymor.

WT: 'Oh.. heh alright…

_A drop or two… I guess I can spare it._

_What mysterious can this plant hide?_

_A drop or two… we shall soon see._

…I'm so happy!'

JS: 'Was that falsetto?'

ES: 'Lord, I think it was…'

JS: 'I feel sympathy for you Lizzie.'

ES: 'Thank you Jack.'

JS: 'Here, blow your nose on this. It's alright.'

Will you two shut it? You aren't even in this!

JS: 'We aren't?'

No Jack! You and Elizabeth aren't in this!

JS: 'Then why the bloody hell are we here?'

Beats me. Now, let me get back to the story!

JS: 'By all means, continue with this catastrophe.'

_Now Jack Sparrow, be kind to young William! To be a good man as your friends say, you must be kind!_

JS: '…'

_Are you trying to ignore me? You can't you know. You may be the only one who can hear me but-_

ES: 'Jack, is there something in your ear?'

JS: 'Er- no, luv. Sorry.'

Yes. _Be_ sorry! Now, as the plant grew bigger, and bigger, Seymor soon realized blood droplets were not going to do. It needed something more. In fact, the _plant_ started to tell Seymor about its needs.

JS: 'May I inquire as to who plays the plant?'

Well er… we couldn't find someone, so we decided no one will play the plant.

JS: 'We?'

Stop ASKING QUESIONTS JACK! Now, Seymor was afraid to follow through with the plant's request, but being a weak willed person, gave in in the end. Now- he had a crush on someone-

ES: 'I thought you said I wasn't in this?'

You aren't Elizabeth, now hold on so I can get this part out!

Now, he had a crush on someone, but she didn't really think of him that way. In fact- she was seeing someone else!

ES: 'Uh-oh… Jack hide, it's Giselle!'

He's already gone Elizabeth, but don't worry, she's under strict order NOT to touch anyone she's not supposed to.

G: 'Really?'

Yes.

G: 'Oh…'

Now- she was a bit of a ditz, not only in the sense she shamed even classic blondes on the stupidity marker, but she was even seeing a crazy man.

HB: 'Ye aren't tellin' me wife are ye?'

JS: 'You're still married to Tia Dalma?'

HB: 'Shut-up Jack.'

Shut-up both of you! Now, he was crazy in the sense that he liked to cause others pain by being a dentist, and he took laughing gas on a regular basis.

HB: 'Ye really expect me to put this stuff in me?'

Look- it's only lethal in LARGE doses. Now get huffin' before I tell Tia where you are.

HB: 'And ye tell me theater is _relaxing…_

_Now- Hahaha…hehehahahah!_

….GRNH… HAHAHA!'

Crap… Quick, Jack, Elizabeth, I've thought of something for you to do!

JS: 'Really?'

ES: 'Should we be happy or dreading this?'

You two get to be the chorus! Whenever something bad happens (like Barbossa about to OD on laughing gas) just start singing until things get straightened out. Alright?

ES: 'Alright…Jack?'

JS: 'Aye.'

ES/JS: 'You really ready? 'I'm fine Lizzie. You start… 'No! 'Yes! 'No! 'FINE! I'll bloody do it…

_Little shop, little shop of horrors… little shop, little-_

_Shop of horrors…'_

Uh, good job you two. We got things straightened up so stop.

JS: 'I don't think she likes our singin' luv.'

ES: 'What makes you think the narrators' a 'she' Jack?'

JS: 'What makes ye not?'

ES: 'Hmm.. Point made.'

AHEM. Alright. Now- Orin was a touch crazy and other things. But Audri couldn't leave him, 'cuz she was afraid.

JS: 'Ye know, as a narrator ye should use proper grammar.'

Shut-up Jack. Now- Audri worked at the flower shop where Seymor lived (and, consequently, worked). So they saw each other everyday. And one day, when Orin came to pick Audri up for a date- Seymor realized what a jerk he was. So the plant convinced him to chop up Orin and feed him to him. Or her… or whatever the plant was.

HB: 'Ye come nay closer with that -HEHAHA- axe boy and I'll kill ye- hehehaha..'

Er… right. So- _get off stage then Barbossa!-_ after feeding Orin to the plant, Seymor soon realized that he would have to kill again. Despite having done it once before, he couldn't bear to do it again. So- after convincing Audri the pair of them should get hitched and leave town- Seymor packed his things and prepared to leave.

G: 'I am ever even goin' to be speaking?'

Shush Giselle. Now- dressed up an everythin'-

JS: 'What have I told ye about grammar luv?'

Stop interrupting me Jack! We're almost at the end here!

JS: 'Oh- sorry then'

_You should feel sorry for this Jack Sparrow in fact-_

Now, Audri- Jack, why are you smiling?

JS: 'Nothin' luv, continue.'

Oh-kay! Now, Audri had come by the flower shop without realizing the potential danger of the plant. When it asked her to feed it- she foolishly reached for a watering can. Grabbing Audri, the plant had her half-way in his mouth before Seymor showed up. Ok Audri- you can do something now.

G: 'Oh- alright…

_EEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHKKKKKKKK_

…Ain't nothin' much comin' from this part is there?'

No. Nice scream though. Now- Seymor managed to pull Audri out of the plants gigantic 'maw' and began an epic duel with the plant. Using an axe… subsequently the same axe he sued to kill Orin.

WT: 'Ew…

_Die icky evil plant thing!_

_Die! Die!_

_Chopped up icky evil plant thing!_

…Please tell me the green ooze is plant matter.'

Now-(no Will, don't ask again) the plant was actually pretty unperturbed be this. In fact- the plant actually won the fight, but after accidentally sticking one of its root/vines into a light socket- it exploded. Still happy with her half-(cough-cough) would be hero, Audri and Seymor ran to the nearest church and got married.

They then moved into a superficial home and lived happily ever after. With a dog.

WT: 'That was fun!'

JS: 'Glad you enjoyed it young William! Now tell me. How's married like?'

WT: 'What?'

Damn it all Jack Sparrow! Why couldn't you let me tell him?

WT: 'What?'

THE END

JS: 'I believe luv, before you ex-fiancé fully understand what's happening…'

ES: 'Yes Jack, I understand.'

_Little shop! Little shop of horrors, little shop. Little shop of terrors! Little shop of horrors. Little shop…._

A/N I couldn't let Will and Elizabeth stayed engaged forever! You know, I actually rented the movie version of this so I could remember how the story went? I'm actually rather disappointed with the results… but I shall ask you for your honest opinion. What'cha think? Also- if you have any classic stories you want my crazy characters to enact don't be afraid to mention its name.


	5. Princess Bride?

_The narrator shifts around nervously, as if determining it is alright to speak…_

JS: 'Oy! Shut it, I don't need to hear ye narrating too!'

ES: 'Jack, who're talking too?'

JS: 'No one, 'Lizabeth.'

ES: 'Jack, you were just-'

Quiet.

ES: 'Why?'

I haven't even said 'welcome' yet, so stow it, yes?

JS: 'You can't say 'stow it' and then follow it up with 'yes', ye get it? 'Sides, ye just said welcome.'

I meant the introductions you two!

ES: 'Speaking of two, where's Will?'

I have no idea Elizabeth, probably sulking because I married him to Giselle.

JS: 'She ain't half bad of a woman. He don't know how good he got it!'

ES: 'Jack, he was engaged to me.'

JS: 'Sounding rather high up, aren't you Elizabeth?'

ES: 'I thought you didn't like calling me that!'

JS: 'Your name?'

You'd think that this far into the show, you two would know not to interrupt me, start other conversation, or not let me say the intro!

JS: 'Ye'd think that, but no. Can't we just skip them?'

Skip them? Are you mad? Wait, ignore that last part. No, I am not-

JS: 'Did ye know Lizzie, we're doing the Princess Bride?'

ES: 'Really?'

Damn it all Jack! That is a new low for you!

JS: 'No, actually, ye see-'

I'm sure neither of us want to know! Now let me say the damn intro!

ES: 'No.'

JS: 'Elizabeth?'

Yes, I'm shocked too. Please impart your wisdom and tell us why you just said that.

ES: 'It's a waste of time, this far in they really should know what's coming!'

JS: 'See! Everyone eventually comes to my side!'

Stop acting like that Jack, I refuse-

JS: 'C'mon luv, lets go get a new narrator!'

What?! You can't do that!

ES: 'We can do whatever we please.'

No you cannot!

JS: 'Then skip the damn intro!'

GHYAAAA!!!!!!!!!

JS: '…I think we broke her.'

ES: 'I think so too Jack.'

_Well Jack, you should know this by now, if the narrator dies, the story never ends._

JS: 'Oh contraire Conscience! We'll simply get a new narrator!'

ES: 'Jack, I think you really should lie down.'

_Yes, listen to her Jack. But first-_

JS: 'I'm not bloody helping the bloody narrator!'

Actually, by default, I regenerate on my own accord.

JS: 'Tha's just creepy.'

You being wierded out is the least of my worries Jack. Act Four, Pirate Theater. Abridged Princess Bride. Act one, here we go.

ES: 'That was so dull and lifeless I think _I'm _going to die.'

JS: 'Can't agree with ye more Lizzie.'

Shut-up you two!

JS: 'It's alive!'

Very funny Jack.

ES: 'He is quite comical, isn't he?'

Elizabeth, whatever is going on in your mind now must stop. Now, to actually get to the story…

JS: 'Ye know, if ye keep pausing ye'll just leave us more room to interrupt ye.'

THE STORY. Now, there was a beautiful, but poor girl, who lived in some random village. Her name was Buttercup, but for some reason no one thought that it was an odd name. There was a boy in the village that Buttercup had doing all of her chores. And for some reason he didn't seem to mind.

JS: 'Not mind? How in the world do ye expect me to pull this role off?'

Get over it Jack, and just start saying 'yes' to everything Buttercup tells you to do.

ES: 'Hehehe…

_Boy, do the dishes here and fetch me a lemonade while I sunbathe._

…C'mon Jack, hop to.'

JS: 'Ye monster Lizzie!…

_As you command. (_leaves dishes to soak and brings her lemonade)

…Doing those dishes is going to ruin me hands.'

ES: 'Ruin your hands?! Jack, how long have you been a pirate?'

JS: '…a while.'

ES: 'Fine, be elusive! But how are some dishes going to ruin your hands after years of seafaring?'

JS: 'Why are ye so quick to jump back into the pampered pet role when ye despised it so much?'

ES: '..I want you.'

JS: '(cough) 'Scuse me?'

Sorry, I was gone. Something about furthering the plot…? Anywho, both of them soon came to realize that his agreeing to her demands, and her demands, were really just forms of affection. After a ridiculous amount of time, they finally confessed to one another how in love they were. Unfortunately, Wesley, the boy, was incredibly poor.

ES: 'That doesn't sound too far off…'

JS: 'If yer bloody father hadn't taken away my jewels I'd be bloody rich!'

ES: 'Oh, are you still complaining about that? Honestly Jack, who do you think, in their right mind, would actually let you get hung covered in jewels?'

JS: 'Anyone else who had ever dreamed of dieing that way.. So every man on Earth.'

ES: 'That is not true-'

Truth and non-truths aside, you two need to stop. Or I shall do the unthinkable.

JS: 'These bloody plays are the unthinkable.'

Oh no. I shall do far worse.

JS: 'Oh?'

I'll change the ending.

JS: 'What?!'

ES: 'But, but… you can't do that! I actually read the Princess Bride! You can't change the end!'

Mhmuhahaha.

JS: 'When ye pull off that laugh so easily 's unnerving.'

Good, now will you two behave?

ES: '..yes.'

JS: 'Fine.'

Now Wesley sailed out to make his fortune.

JS: 'Hey, I like this bloke now.'

In order to get married.

JS: 'Oh..'

But it wasn't long until Buttercup received news that his ship had been attacked and he and the crew killed.

ES: 'Crap.'

Commentary is not behaving.

ES: 'Oh.. Uh…

_Oh no! (_sob_)_

…how's that?'

Terribly heart felt. Now, some time later the prince of the kingdom decided he wanted to get married, and having heard of how pretty Buttercup was, decided on her. Having no will left she allowed herself to be put into the engagement.

ES: 'I'm marrying the prince, why am I sad?'

WT: 'You should only be happy when with me.'

Good God. We've dawdled so long Will came out of hiding. That's it. That's the final straw.

JS: 'Uh oh..'

Little did Buttercup know, but her prince planned to kill her and stage the murder as an act from the opposing kingdom in the world. One day, while out riding, some people kidnapped her, killed her, and left her body on some rocks.

The end.

ES: 'That was poignant and depressing.'

JS: 'I think death has affected our fair narrator.'

_Indeed, and now, all of you must embark on an epic quest to restore the narrator, or be lost to a perpetual downward spiral in which only melancholy stories are told!_

JS: Bugger.

THE END

A/N Any who have not read/seen Princess Bride should do so. I really don't do it justice here.. Also I've changed the story's name and gone back to the old chapters and fixed them so that the initials of the person talking come up before their lines. Some people mentioned it was hard to follow who was talking so I finally got around to making it easier.

Next (act, story, chapter?) THE EPIC QUEST TO RESTORE THE NARRATOR! And, oh ya. I'm back to updating this story. Crazy eh?


	6. The Epic Quest!

_And thus, having snuck away from the theater (though only on a temporary basis) Jack and Elizabeth began the epic journey in restoring the narrator!_

ES: 'As loath as I am to admit that I trust you Jack, that trust only goes so far. It was fun to get away from the theater, but why are we in this canyon?'

JS: 'I honestly couldn't tell ya Lizzie.'

_It holds what you need to restore the narrator! Your DESTINATION!_

ES: 'And that worries me, you've been acting so funny lately… I admit I like the feeling of doing things without it being narrated first.'

_And the pair approached a large crack in the canyon wall, opening up into a cavern._

JS: 'I wish I knew the feeling…'

ES: 'What do you mean?'

JS: 'Into the cave, Lizzie.'

ES: 'You first…'

_It's your own fault she doesn't trust you, you know._

ES: 'Jack, are you hurt?'

JS: 'No, why?'

ES: 'You're gritting your teeth.'

JS: 'Am I?'

_And now, you have come to your first obstacle._

ES: 'There's an opening in the back of this cave. It's covered with cobwebs and I feel a sense of foreboding when I go near it.'

JS: 'Well, let's go forward. Ain't much of an obstacle.'

_Stop! It is very dangerous. You'll get sliced to bits, you must heed this warning and-_

JS: 'Sliced to bits? As in machinery will get us? How old is this place, it would all be broken or turned to dust.'

ES: 'Sliced..? Jack, who are you talking to?'

_Logic doesn't matter here- now listen to the warning-_

JS: 'Bloody hell, if logic doesn't matter I'm going to skip ahead and rewrite the story.'

_What? You can't-_

ES: 'Jack? Jack where did you go?'

* * *

**(JS: 'Look at this bollocks....)**

_Only the penitent man will pass…_

_J__S: 'Penitent? Sounds like penance…'_

_ES: 'You worry me sometimes, Jack.'_

_JS: 'When you pay penance don't you kneel?'_

_ES: 'I suppose…Jack! What are you doing? I thought you mentioned slicing when you- oh my God. Jack, are you alright?'_

_JS: 'S'alright Lizzie, I've jammed the gears, the blades aren't moving now. You can just walk through.'_

**(JS: 'An there we are, all rounded up and gotten rid of.)**

* * *

Succumb to age, the gears and blades of the mechanism have long since rusted and rotted away.

ES: 'Thank God Jack, where did you go?'

JS: 'I wasn't gone long, was I?'

ES: 'Um, not really.'

JS: 'Right. Let's go.'

ES: 'But.. Slicing!'

JS: 'Took care of it. See? I'm goin' first.'

ES: 'Oh, well. What was the mention of all that slicing early?'

JS: 'Ignore it like you do most of me luv.'

ES: 'I don't ignore you…'

_Jack, you can't just.. rewrite stories! It's wrong. Immoral. Against the code of writing…_

JS: 'Hm.. Is that writing on the ground?'

ES: 'I don't know, it looks like. The nondescript light from nowhere is a bit dim in this room, isn't it?'

JS: 'Hm. Wonder what happens when-'

ES: 'JACK!'

JS: 'Ah, well. I guess we're supposed to spell something…'

ES: 'With the ground crumbling away and letters on the ground, one would assume that.'

JS: 'Wonder what it is…?'

_After your refusal to listen to me I refuse to give you the next clue!_

JS: 'I got an idea Lizzie, I'll hold onto you and you step on the letters until you get the one that doesn't give way.'

ES: 'Alright.'

_What? That's.. that's cheating._

JS: 'Pirate..'

ES: 'Jack, you're muttering to yourself again. Oh! I found it. I'm on an 'I'.'

JS: 'Hm, there's a rhyme that's 'I before e' try an 'e' next.'

ES: 'Yes, it's holding. But what after?'

JS: 'Start guessing again I suppose.'

ES: 'Ah, here we are. 'V' is next.'

JS: ''Iev'? What are we spelling…'

ES: 'Ah.'

JS: 'What?'

ES: 'Sorry, I slipped. A is next.'

JS: 'Ah.'

ES: 'What?'

JS: 'After that?'

ES: 'I'l' try 'h', you know, 'a' 'h'? ah?'

JS: 'Good thinking.'

_You two have such faulty logic…_

ES: 'Alright, I'm across.'

JS: 'I wonder what crocked up thing we're supposed to do next?'

ES: 'There's an opening up here, oh wow.'

JS: 'Hm? Oh.'

_The leap of faith. Not something you should take lightly Jack, as-_

JS: 'Oh, look. Lizzie, can you see the bridge?'

ES: 'Bridge? Jack, this is an open chasm!'

JS: 'When you look straight across it blends in, look down.'

ES: 'Wow! It stands right out against the darkness.'

JS: 'Still looks thin though, be careful when you go across.'

ES: 'I will.. wait.. did you just-'

JS: 'An I'm across! C'mon Lizzie.'

_This is.. This is.. The faultiest grail quest I've ever seen!_

JS: 'Grail quest?'

ES: 'Grail?'

JS: 'Did we jus' rip off Indiana Jones?!'

ES: 'Huh, we did, didn't we?'

JS: 'But.. but that's not a classic!'

ES: 'Jack, how can you say that?'

_It doesn't matter, you've reached DESTINATION. The narrator will now be restored._

JS: 'What? We don't get the bloody grail?'

ES: 'What do you mean we don't get the grail?'

JS: 'Apparently we don't get the grail!'

ES: 'Wait, you can't distract me from what you said.'

JS: 'What did I say?'

ES: 'You said Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade wasn't a classic!'

JS: 'We shouldn't even be talking about this…'

ES: 'You can't suddenly stop breaking the fourth wall.'

JS: 'We're in a cave Lizzie, it isn't shaped like a box.'

ES: 'Jack! Stop doing that.'

JS: 'Doing what?'

_Jack Sparrow, you are a terrible fiend._

* * *

A/N GR! The part where Jack rewrites the story was supposed to have strikeout done to it, but apparently you can no longer do that on FF. Or if you can, could someone please tell me how? Other than that, I'm actually rather happy with this chapter. Or.. epic quest, technically it isn't a chapter since the narrator isn't involved.


End file.
